Blog #3: The Family and Romance <3
By: Elise Osborn
One of the most studied and researched areas of communication is interpersonal communication. This should not be surprising, after all a vast majority of our communication on a day-to-day basis is interpersonal in nature (aka between two people). For example, greeting the cashier at the grocery store, ordering food at a restaurant through a server, talking with your boss, talking with a parent or child, etc. But within the range of interpersonal communication lies romantic relationships, which is a rather popular area of research within the field. For us humans there is a rather innate need to feel connected and be loved by another, which is first demonstrated in our lives as infants. As infants we are much more dependent on others to take care of us because we do not have the ability to do so at that stage in life. We seek warmth, comfort, and create an attachment with our primary caregiver out of necessity to survive and thrive in this world (Bretherton, 1992).
Not only is there a biological aspect to love and attachment but there is a social expectation/pressure as well. Through the media there is the celebration of love accomplished in various movies, TV Shows, news-stories, social media, etc. In other words, romance is in the air, and it is everywhere. Of course, this can have some implications on people who cannot secure or simply do not want to have a dating life. But that is not the focus of today’s blog, this blog will be dedicated to the impact of family communication on romantic relationships.
Referring to my previous blogs, it has been mentioned quite a few times and have demonstrated through recent research that the family is a foundational or primary source of learning communication skills, behaviors, and attitudes (Koerner & Schrodt, 2014). Due to this influence, an assumption can be made that these same family interactions and communication patterns can also affect how an adult will enact their own romantic relationships. Researchers in the field of communication and psychology have tackled and supported this assumption using Family Communication Patterns Theory and Attachment Theory. Attachment styles are developed at an early age and family communication patterns are shown to have effects of relational maintenance, relational satisfaction, attachment with relational partners, relational confirmation, and many other romantic areas. This blog will touch on just a few of these relational impacts, but first allow me to introduce and explain attachment theory and its importance to our romantic relationships.
Attachment Theory
The creation of attachment theory comes from the combination of research and works of British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby and American Canadian developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth. The main claim of this theory is that early experiences with caregivers will create an internal working model that acts as a set of expectations/base of attachment in future relationships throughout an individual’s life (Whittington & Turner, 2024; Bretherton, 1992; Dugan et al., 2024). These models are developed from the recurrent actions of responsiveness and availability demonstrated by a primary caregiver in the early stages of life, the most critical time for this development is from infancy to approximately 3 years old (Dugan et al., 2024; Jiao, 2024).
Of these internal working models there are two primary attachment dimensions that create three distinctive attachment styles. The two dimensions of attachment are attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance. Attachment anxiety reflects the perceptions of low self-worth and creates a fear of abandonment within individuals high on this dimension (Jiao, 2024; Whittington & Turner, 2024). This fear of abandonment can develop if a primary caregiver is flaky with their care to a child, some often come and go without any warning. Meanwhile attachment avoidance reflects individuals who are more self-reliant, tend to be emotionally distant and uncomfortable in close relationships (Jiao, 2024; Whittington & Turner, 2024). This form of attachment develops in a child when their primary caregiver is not present and does not respond to or be attentive to their child in their times of need. As a response the child can grow to be avoidant with others, since their caregiver was never close with them, they do not know what it is like so they will not be close with other people.
Based off these two attachment dimensions, three attachment styles can be observed: secure, ambivalent, and avoidant. A secure attachment style is low on both the anxiety and avoidant dimensions meaning that an individual with this style feels like their needs are met and are more comfortable with demonstrating both independence and closeness in relationships (Jiao, 2024; Whittington & Turner, 2024). The ambivalent attachment style is high on the attachment anxiety dimension, some behaviors associated to this style within a romantic relationship would be constant check ins, asking where you are, what you’re doing, and other behaviors which you can observe in my first vlog. Finally, the last attachment style is avoidant which is high on the attachment avoidance dimension. Some real-life examples of an individual with this attachment style may include them being constantly distracted by other things in close encounters. Like with the other styles you can observe more of these in my first vlog that I will have attached.
Just to note, the attachment style that you have currently can be changed but it takes you to do it. Attachment styles can change over the course of an individual’s lifetime based on the relationships they have partaken in. Now that we know the basic tenets of attachment theory, this next section of this blog will delve into the connections of attachment and family communication.
Family Communication and Attachment – Their impacts on your Romantic Relationships
A good way to reflect and trace back your own relationship behaviors and attitudes is to look at your attachment style and family communication patterns. By understanding where these behaviors can come from it can better prepare you to change the less desirable ones to enhance your personal relationships.
In my previous blogs and in future ones I will constantly be referring back to Family Communication Patterns Theory (FCPT) and it’s two orientations of family communication; conversation and conformity. In my last blog post I brought up relevant research and communication tips to have and encourage open communication regarding internet usage. Well once again, a high conversation orientation in families through open/validating communication can contribute to a child’s future romantic relationships by encouraging couple-time rituals and relational maintenance behaviors. When open communication is demonstrated in a family environment to a child, that child is more likely to develop greater interpersonal skills, specifically how to maintain a relationship and to engage in couple rituals (Fowler et al., 2010) Relational maintenance behaviors are just as the name suggest, behaviors that help to maintain a relationship. 7 strategic behaviors that have been identified through previous research are advice, assurances, conflict management, openness, positivity, sharing tasks, and social networks (Fowler et al., 2010). For the sake of time and space, I will not go into depth of the various maintenance behaviors. Moving on, couple rituals are just activities that allow for togetherness of individuals in a relationship (Fowler et al., 2010)
Continuing FCPT and its effects on romantic relationships, the dimensions of conformity and conversation displayed within the family also have consequences on the development of the internal working model of attachment within an individual. Individuals that come from a family that is high on conversation orientation are more likely to have a secure attachment style (Jiao, 2024; Whittington & Turner, 2024). Open communication with a child fosters the message that they are valued, which creates a positive self-image that they then carry into romantic relationships and share with their significant other (Whittington & Turner, 2024). Meanwhile conformity orientation is related to attachment anxiety due to the hierarchal aspect which can make a child feel unworthy and not in control of their relationships (Whittington & Turner, 2024). Overall, the best attachment style for an individual to have is secure. Having a secure attachment style can enhance relational satisfaction whilst having an ambivalent or avoidant attachment style negatively affects relationship satisfaction. The actions that you can take to get to a secure attachment style can start within the family through open communication by spreading messages of self-worth and crush insecurities. Of course, like I mentioned earlier, these attachment styles do not solely need to be changed within the family. The attachment style that you acquire from your early childhood may not be the one that you carry with you throughout your entire life, they can be changed and altered through self-work and realization.
Coming Up Next
In next week’s blog post I will be connecting family and parent-child communication on the perceptions of sports and other athletic activities.
Discussion Questions:
- What attachment style best represents you at this current moment?
- How have you seen your attachment style affect or enhance your relational satisfaction, either with a romantic partner or friends.
- What actions can you take to achieve a secure attachment style?
References
Bretherton, I. (1992). The origins of attachment theory: John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth. Developmental Psychology, 28(5), 759–775. https://doi.org/10.1037/0012-1649.28.5.759
Dugan, K. A., Fraley, R. C., Jones, J. D., Stern, J. A., Shaver, P. R., Lejuez, C. W., & Cassidy, J. (2025). Coordination of parent and adolescent attachment across time. Developmental Psychology, 61(9), 1721–1738. https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0001835
Fowler, M., Pearson, J. C., & Beck, S. J. (2010). The influences of family communication patterns on adult children’s perceptions of romantic behaviors. Journal of the Communication, Speech & Theatre Association of North Dakota, 23, 1–11.
Jiao, J. (2021). Family communication patterns and emerging adults’ attachment with parents and romantic partners. Communication Research Reports, 38(4), 229–240. https://doi.org/10.1080/08824096.2021.1922373
Whittington, D. D., & Turner, L. A. (2024). Relations of family-of-origin communication patterns to attachment and satisfaction in emerging adults’ romantic relationships. American Journal of Family Therapy, 52(3), 295–310. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2022.2110173